Written 2016 after a Karate Performance
This week, I was triggered into a childhood phobia that I had totally forgotten.
Isn’t it interesting that by creating certain behaviors as a child, we learn to avoid certain things then conveniently forget about them.
I totally avoided being put on the spot and having to perform solo to groups of people. For 20 years. Didn’t seem that important, I can do public speaking and teach and run groups so no need to perform right…. Ummm … Nooo standing up in front of 25 people, being asked unexpectedly to perform solo, I slipped back into the role of dissociating, and conveniently going totally and… utterly blank
Because this is exactly the sort pattern I help others with, I found the experience of watching my self, absolutely fascinating. My childhood irrational safety behaviors are all still in full force…
- Totally dissociate – I couldn’t even remember what I was supposed to do.. when I had practiced what I knew of it 2 minutes earlier.
- Let embarrassment through but stay disassociated and calm, emotions are totally flattened into a lovely boxed present for later (because it’s wrong and not safe to be emotional with others I might get sent to my room. Hmm ..
- Pretend nothing happened, get out and look at how to totally avoid the possibility ever again! Which in my case translates to putting my self out of the situation, and only being available when I am ready – Concreting in habits of perfectionism and hesitation to stand out.
Now days instead of being sent to my room I run there with relief. Where I actually open up that box of shame, embarrassment, anger, and sadness and betrayal. Eventually moving onto whatever processes help me to release the patterns and history.
This one has taken few days, when I start letting it all flow to the surface there is so much history and back story, These things normally have a first time, second, … 20th time and a family pattern and more.. all the past experiences layer on top of each other, making each subsequent situation grow in emotional intensity, regardless of the actual experience.
Enter, lovely big present of 38 years of squashed and dissociated emotions layered like a pile of old clothes, waiting for the time when I am able to process it.
No wonder Christmas is so fraught with emotion lol
Despite the emotional roller coaster, involved the living and releasing of these phobias, and their time packaged presents,, this creates freedom and space for more positive emotions.
So when it is finished I will be in a space to say thank you to the experience… not today tho J
At the time of writing this i was learning Karate at Mile High Karate Northshore – with Paul Bryant. I was helping the kids and starting as an adult learner. It was very enjoyable. I also learn Tai Chi there as well. – below is a link to the website.
