When I realised fear was running my life

written 2017 

In 2012  I started to realize how much fear and should to ran my life. I was living in a place where almost everything I did was to fulfill and idea that I had adopted as what I was supposed to do and be.  .  I was tightly wound and I was constantly stressed and I couldn’t relax. My health started to nose dive.

Something was about to break  I knew it wasn’t right

I had got to the place where I couldn’t find joy in anything I was doing, everything was a should, I stressed about so many things each day, trying to live up to an idea in my mind and my husbands expectations, little  things even the dishes.. Surely it should be easy to relax as I do the dishes…  the thing is I was doing the dishes because I felt I should or had to according the rules of our family.

What I have come to realize is that I was judging my worth on what I was doing.

I made what I was doing or how I was doing it good, bad, right or wrong, rather than see it as means to a result, the me inside is perfect no matter  what I am doing or not doing.

It used to be that I felt bad about not having done the dishes, I felt I was not living up to the expectation of my husband, I felt in myself that I was not doing a good job. But in my values system  dishes being done are a chore that needs to happen and to me it isn’t earthshatteringly important when it happens.

I used to beat my self up every time I looked at them because they whispered to me that I was not doing what I should.

Well guess what …..I do just as many dishes these days, but shock horror… I don’t mind if they pile a bit, and when I do them when  it flows I feel motivated, the motivation is internal, rather than external. I do them because I want to, or put another way because I love the idea of having some clean dishes or bench space.

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